The Better Bible

. . .  there was nothing and She thought, ‘There should be something.’ and behold there was.

And She thought ‘Well I can’t fucking See this! I wonder what it is….’

But She had no concept of Light or Seeing, so She pondered a great Time (which She had to invent in order to spend it thinking of Light and Seeing) which She had not yet made.

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Then. . . She sneezed

and behold!

She Saw

Light, splayed all across this thing She had made. And it was good.

“Now, let us see this creation I have begat.’ and She set upon a journey to discover it.

*   *    *

In the first Garden swaggered a very stylishly dressed Serpent.

And Eve jumped away.

“Do not fear me, madam.” said the adder.

And Eve responded “Wretched thing, I should slay you!”

But the Serpent cowered, “Wait! If you but spare my life I shall give you this.” and he held forth a deep crimson apple with a lime smear.

“An apple?!” Eve scoffed. “The Tree of Life bears all the apples we could want.”

But the Serpent pressed on, “But this is a magic apple, Lady Eve. Any who eat of it shall know Truth.”

Thus was Eve enraptured.

Though her brows did lower in suspicion even as her hand brought the fruit to her lips.

Twas then Adam came upon them and saw Eve eating something new.

“Where’d you get that?” he pointed.

Eve nodded, “The Serpent. Here try some.”

But Adam shook his head, “I’m not hungry.”

It was then She wandered upon them and seeing the situation said in anger ‘Who gave you that? What? You don’t like my apples?’

Adam and Eve knelt and made as if to please Her, but She would have none of their groveling.

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She offered them a choice.

Exile or be turned into garden gnomes.

They left and She turned to the Serpent, who was sidling off.

“Not so fast, dude.” She said.

And the stylishly dressed Serpent, having naught to barter with but arms and legs, was forced to crawl upon his belly forevermore.

And never eat apples again.

*   *   *

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Since the garden was now hidden from them, Adam and Eve travelled over great lands and across wide oceans because, why not?

They enjoyed each other over and over. And it was very good!

But She had lain a curse upon them so their offspring were of many colors. And they had many children throughout their travels. And Adam and Eve were white as blow.

In every part of the world they made new color babies and wept at their disgrace. Now all of mankind is descended from them, and brothers and sisters commit the most horrible of crimes of all. Ignorant in their sin.

Two offspring were called Abel and Cain. Brothers they were.

Abel was a shepherd and Cain tilled the ground, and it was good.

Under direction from Adam they paid homage to ‘She who banishes’ each harvest, Cain with his fruits of the ground and Abel with fat and fleece.

And ‘She who banishes’ simply adored the fleece, wearing it everywhere but the fruits had little effect on Her. She had none and they laid rotting.

Now it came to pass that Cain grew distraught with being shamed by ‘She who banishes’ and spoke to Abel.

“Why does She like your fat so much?” and Abel replied “It is not the fat but the fleece She loves.”

Then Cain said, “My fruits are of the finest kind and all here love them. Why doesn’t She?”

Abel smiled and shrugged. “Perhaps She can’t eat fruit.”

And Cain felt a great anger rise within his breast and took a rock from the ground and smote Abel on the nose, killing him.

Later ‘She who banishes’ asked of Cain, “Hey, where’s your bro? Love his fleeces! Haven’t seen him in awhile.”

And Cain said “I didn’t know it was my turn to watch him.”

She replied “What have you done?! I can smell his blood on you! I did not eat your fruit because I felt it’s beauty would be spoilt by my hands, so let it live and die as it should. Now nothing will ever grow for you again! Thus the earth marks thee, killer!”

And Cain fell to the dirt and wept.

“Truly magnificent you are to withhold your purpose from me and cause me to slay my brother! Now anywhere I travel people shall seek my death. Awesome.”

But She said, “It was not awesome to slay your brother, was it? Nor I that slew him, was it? Idiot. But fear not those who seek your death! Though they shall be everywhere, none shall kill you save me. Begone now to the east! To Nod. And thus I mark thee! ”

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And Cain jumped up as she flicked his ear, and ran saying. “I shall bear thy mark and leave to where you banish me!”

And ‘She who banishes’ began to be known from then on.

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